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MOTHER'S DEATH

I want to thank you all who were so sweet in expressing your prayers and well wishes. You will never fully comprehend how you helped me and touched my heart. It feels strange, to care for you all as I do, knowing that our only means of communication has been through our Live Journals. It is strange how we, as LJ Friends, sometimes feel and know more about each other than even those who surround us throughout our daily lives. Here in our live journals we express our true feelings, which we most often keep secret to friends and family. You all mean the world to me and my every hope is that you are safe and happy.

For a month and days, I have gone through some very complex times. I watched my mother go through things I hope and pray will someday be wiped off my memory. I've gone through sleepless nights of fear and through excruciating mental pain. There was a time when it appeared as if she might make it. Suddenly, everything went down hill. I believe the most painful days were towards the end, where my mother's beautiful peaches and cream complexion turned into a deathly ungodly color. My mother didn't go fast, she lingered and suffered, as no human being should. I only hope that the Lord will take into consideration the agonizing suffering she went through. I've lost my mother who was my best friend. I, as well and my 4 brothers and dad are still in shock and in great pain. It still hasn't fully sunk in my mind that she is dead. She died yesterday, January 30, 2005 at 3:36 am.

The rosary, mass and burial will be on the same day, Friday. She will wear a beautiful light pink lace dress and pearls. Shoes are not permitted so I will have her wear a pair of my socks.

I'm going through a lot of guilt feelings right now because I should have called her more often. I bought my mother her favorite flowers, white roses. It breaks my heart that I didn't buy them for her when she was alive. I bought them for her and she will never see the beauty in them because she is dead.

For those of you who still have your mother, please don't take her for granted. Buy her the flowers NOW and find the time to call her everyday and let her know that you love her.

I will not go into how and why she died, it is unimportant at this point. The only reality for me is that she is dead.

I am so grateful and thankful to all of you, my LJ friends! Thank you!

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Comments

( 63 comments — Leave a comment )
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nebris
Feb. 1st, 2005 01:20 am (UTC)
I send Love and White Light to you, darling.

Be Well...

~M~
playgirl
Feb. 1st, 2005 03:26 am (UTC)
White light and love have been received.
hugs
pggmilltn
Feb. 1st, 2005 01:20 am (UTC)
Words fail to adequately...my condolences. Please take care.
playgirl
Feb. 1st, 2005 03:27 am (UTC)
Thank you so much!
(no subject) - pggmilltn - Feb. 1st, 2005 03:28 am (UTC) - Expand
jerris_darkrun_
Feb. 1st, 2005 01:30 am (UTC)
HUGS for your loss, but applause for your love.
playgirl
Feb. 1st, 2005 03:27 am (UTC)
Thank you and the hugs have been received!
talking_monkeys
Feb. 1st, 2005 01:37 am (UTC)
I'm so sorry...
playgirl
Feb. 1st, 2005 03:28 am (UTC)
Thank you so much!
trwheaton
Feb. 1st, 2005 02:04 am (UTC)
I had a rather distant relationship with my father...We lost him in a similar way. It was very traumatic, but I know that in the end, even though he couldn't communicate with words, he knew how much he meant to me.
Please don't dwell on these feelings of guilt, dear one. You were there for her at the end, and certainly your love needed no outward gestures to find expression.
I'm so very sorry for your loss, and hope you will accept my most heartfelt condolences for yourself and your family.
playgirl
Feb. 11th, 2005 09:29 pm (UTC)
I could never imagine the pain other's felt in losing one of their parents. I do now and wonder if the terrible pain in my chest will ever go away. I'm starting to come out of a pretty deep depression I've been feeling, but I know I'll eventually become my old outspoken brat in my journal.

I'm so sorry that you lost your father and accept my condolences, too.

Thank you for being my friend!
(no subject) - trwheaton - Feb. 12th, 2005 03:29 am (UTC) - Expand
sabrarosa
Feb. 1st, 2005 02:08 am (UTC)
God, honey, I'm so sorry. I had no idea. My thoughts are with you and your family right now. I know how hard this must be.
playgirl
Feb. 1st, 2005 03:29 am (UTC)
Thank you so much! Yes, it is very hard.
(no subject) - sabrarosa - Feb. 1st, 2005 03:31 am (UTC) - Expand
broken__shadows
Feb. 1st, 2005 02:21 am (UTC)
There is not much I can do to relieve your your pain or your feelings of guilt. I think any good person feels those whenever they lsoe someone they love and deeply care about. I sincerely pray that you find the stregnth you need to come to terms with the pain you felt and the pain you had to observe, and I hope that someday the sadness you feel over her loss and the guilt will be replaced with feelings of peace and comfort in knowing that she is still always with you in mind and spirit even if not flesh and bone. Aside from offering you my ear, there is not much else I can do at this time, but if you need to talk to me, I can be reached via the email address on my user info page. You are welcome to email me, or if you want a more direct conversation, feel free to request my aim or yim id's and as soon as I get the message, I will respond. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
mehen
Feb. 1st, 2005 02:24 am (UTC)
My thoughts and prayers go with you. I,too, spend over a month slowly watching my mother die before me. I know your pain for I have travelled the road you are now beginning. I send you the love of a friend and stand ready to listen. *hugs*
playgirl
Feb. 2nd, 2005 01:24 am (UTC)
I'm so sorry you experienced this unbearable pain, my friend. I hope that those who read this and still have their moms, to show in whatever way it takes, just how much they love her.

I send you my love, my friend, also!
pippaminni
Feb. 1st, 2005 03:15 am (UTC)
dont let every memory of your mom be erased...good or bad... they're all you have now. i look up to you for your honesty...God bless you and your family. my deepest condolences.
playgirl
Feb. 11th, 2005 08:31 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much! I took pictures of her before they closed the coffin and have put them in little frames throughout my house. I miss her terribly, but am slowly coming out of my little depression.

Thank you for your kind words my friend!
heddygirl
Feb. 1st, 2005 03:26 am (UTC)
Sincerest sympathies to you all...we experienced that loss in August and know all too well your feelings. These shall pass, although it does not seem it now. You and your family are in our thoughts, and your mother is in heaven, wishing you peace.
playgirl
Feb. 1st, 2005 04:11 am (UTC)
I am so sorry about your loss. You and yours will be in our thoughts, also.

Thank you for your kind words in these most trying times. I only hope time will pass quickly so it won't hurt so much anymore.
darkphoenixrisn
Feb. 1st, 2005 03:37 am (UTC)
*hugs*
playgirl
Feb. 1st, 2005 04:06 am (UTC)
Hugs have been received and thank you so much!
splitpeasoup
Feb. 1st, 2005 03:40 am (UTC)
I'm extremely sorry. I had no idea. Take care, of yourself and the others in your family. Wish you good thoughts.
playgirl
Feb. 1st, 2005 04:05 am (UTC)
Thank you so much!
0ccam
Feb. 1st, 2005 04:48 am (UTC)
You and she are in my thoughts. You have my sympathy.
playgirl
Feb. 2nd, 2005 01:20 am (UTC)
Thank you so much for your very kind words!
jenn1555
Feb. 1st, 2005 05:03 am (UTC)
I will say a prayer for you and your family..I am so sorry
playgirl
Feb. 2nd, 2005 01:17 am (UTC)
Thank you so much!
(Deleted comment)
playgirl
Feb. 2nd, 2005 01:18 am (UTC)
Thank you so much dearest Huggy Bear. I appreciate it!
wizekid05
Feb. 1st, 2005 05:18 am (UTC)
its going to be a year in a couple of days. my uncle died rearely. i was very shocked i know the feeling. i still cant believe it now. it still hurts and i wish it would go away and i would move on but the memmories will still be there. charish them thats the only thing that keep me going.
playgirl
Feb. 11th, 2005 08:54 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much for your comforting words, I appreciate them very much, my treasured friend.

I'm so sorry you lost your uncle, I know the pain you're feeling. I'm filling my mind with memories of my mom, that's are I have left now. I'm so happy that I took pictures of her in her coffin, I'll treasure them til the day I die.

Thank you for being my LJ friend, wisekid. Hugs and kisses from someone who values you very much!
(no subject) - wizekid05 - Feb. 12th, 2005 03:54 am (UTC) - Expand
sonoitamemories
Feb. 1st, 2005 08:44 am (UTC)
Yes
I watched my own mother in 1994-1996 suffer with partial paralysis due to a stroke. She would try to speak to me when I would go to see her. But she was never able to speak, nor was she able to grab me and hug me. One time I just broke down with a nurse and cried on her shoulder saying that I just didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to help her. The nurse told that my being there was helping her, though she was sure my mom couldn't communicate this to me. When she died, I was called at home and was not there for her since the nursing home was over 30 miles away from where I live. When I got the news, well my heart just sank. I felt like someone had hit me in the chest. I was adopted. So mom was my adopted mother, not my birth mother. I never knew my birth mother. She gave me up just 3 days after I was born when she had me while she was just 18 years old and single and alone. We believe that she was Amish. But mom, my adopted mother... There's not enough I can say about her. In the last years of our life we didn't speak or get along at all. But when she went into the hospital after having the stroke, I threw all the differences aside and went to see her every single week, until I was not able to do it any longer, emotionally. I went to see her for over a year and then finally emotionally had trouble seeing her that way. So I called and sent cards. Then... well they called me about 8pm in the evening... they said simply that she was "gone". I just stopped. My whole world stopped. Dad had died in 1994 from Cancer. Now, 1996, Mom was gone too. And so was my whole family. All that I knew was gone. My adopted sister hates me and refuses to speak to me or acknowledge me. So when mom died I lost everything. I lost my whole family.

I do understand how you feel. I really do. I don't talk much about Mom and Dad and what happened because most people just don't want to hear it. So I just keep it to myself. But losing Mom was one of the hardest times of my entire life. I miss her so much. To this very day I sometimes can feel them near me. But it's only for a fleeting moment and then it passes. I have Aileen's brother and sister, and Aileen's niece for a family. But for my own family? Well, I don't know my birth mother. I don't know my origin. I no longer have a mom or a dad. My sister hates me... So I really don't have a family anymore other than Aileen and her brother and sister. But me? Well, Aileen knows her heritage. She's Scottish. I know nothing of my heritage or my family lines. And I no longer have a family at all. So losing mom was major for me. She was my last link with my family, the one that I grew up with. She's gone. It depresses me greatly when I think of losing her. We were never able to resolve our differences except with one gesture. One time when I went to see her I was in tears and I said to her that i was sorry that we fought. With terribly jerky moves in her arms, she reached out to my hand and held it close to her chest. She couldn't speak and her head jerked back and forth from the stroke damage. But she at least held my hand.

I do understand how you feel my dear. I understand so very well. You are deeply loved her by me, and my family and always shall be. Please know that...

Hugs,

Mickey
playgirl
Feb. 2nd, 2005 12:49 am (UTC)
Re: Yes
I'm so sorry for the pain you went through in losing your mom, and I fully understand. What I will never understand why my mom, who was an angel, had to suffer so horribly and for so long.

There was a time that it looked like she was going to make it and our hopes and happiness soared. She was fully aware of all her surroundings until the very end. One day I lay across her chest and cradled her head against my face. I could hear her whimper with love and I couldn't break myself away from her.

We think a loved one will never die, but we are so very wrong. My mom's condition came suddenly. This is why we are in shock.

You, my dear friend, know the pain I speak of when I say it's just as if someone were digging their hands between your chest and grabbing your heart and squeezing it violently.

I love you my darling friend!
Re: Yes - sonoitamemories - Feb. 2nd, 2005 11:52 am (UTC) - Expand
joanofarq
Feb. 1st, 2005 01:43 pm (UTC)
I am so sad for you, and I take to heart your words of wisdom.

My own parents have been much on my mind lately as they are getting on in years. I am going to see them this weekend. Your post reinforces how I have been feeling lately about them. That there may not be much time left and I should make the most of it while they, and I, are still relatively healthy (as you know, because of my situation, "I" could go first. . . . )

You are a kind, sensitive young woman and your mother's legacy. She lives on through you.

joanofarq
Feb. 2nd, 2005 02:22 pm (UTC)
I received your e/mail.

Grief like this is a universal emotion. We have all felt it because losing our loved ones to death is inevitable. (The immortality rate is zero.) Whatever else you are feeling, do not feel alone and isolated or afraid to express yourself because we have all been there and we all understand how all-consuming it can be. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

I had a close male friend die more than ten years ago, suddenly, without warning, and that pain is with me still. I still think of him every day. But I know he is with me somehow, and he lives on through the two sons he left behind, and through his close friends like me. I try to take some comfort in that.

Remember, your mom is present in you now.
kdawg
Feb. 1st, 2005 02:42 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my father on March 20, 2004 and it's been a rough year. Luckily I've had a lot of friends that have been there for me.

If you ever need someone to talk to or whatever, please feel free to im, email, comment. I know how much my friends helped me. I also know how much I needed support as well.

God bless you.
playgirl
Feb. 11th, 2005 08:38 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm slowly coming out of the pain and depression I've been going through. I still have a message in my answering machine she left for me, before she got sick and died. I try not to listen to it too much because it breaks my heart into pieces.

I'm so sorry you lost your dad, I know your pain.

Thank you for being my friend!
(no subject) - kdawg - Feb. 11th, 2005 08:47 pm (UTC) - Expand
nsingman
Feb. 1st, 2005 02:48 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you and her other loved ones can find some comfort in your memories.
playgirl
Feb. 2nd, 2005 01:16 am (UTC)
Thank you so much, Noah for your very kind words. They are greatly appreciated!
serene_orange
Feb. 1st, 2005 03:07 pm (UTC)
oh my. I am so awfully sorry. I lost my sister (18 years older than me) late 2003 and my grandmother a month later. I understand completely how we go over in our heads the "I should haves" and the "never agains".

I wish there was something I could say to help, but we both know there isn't. I am so sorry you hurt.
playgirl
Feb. 2nd, 2005 04:22 am (UTC)
And I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister and grandmother. There are no words to adequately express these very painful things that come to our lives. I suppose only time eases the pain a little. I hope so!

Thank you so much for your very kind words. They are very much appreciated.
(no subject) - serene_orange - Feb. 2nd, 2005 04:54 am (UTC) - Expand
exquisiteone
Feb. 1st, 2005 04:36 pm (UTC)
I am deeply sorry to hear of your loss. It's never easy to lose someone you know, but even worse when that person is so close to you as your mother was. I know it doesn't mean much, but at least there is small comfort and solstice in that she is no longer suffering, that god has taken away all her pain.

My prayers are with you and your family at this time. I know words can't be of much comfort right now, but I pray you feel love and support from those closest to you.
playgirl
Feb. 11th, 2005 08:40 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much for your very kind words. I'm sorry I've taken so long to reply, but I was going through some hard time depression. Thank God I'm coming out of it and accepting the loss of my mom.

Thank you for taking the time to write and I'm grateful for your friendship!
quepid
Feb. 1st, 2005 06:32 pm (UTC)
Be strong.

I know how you might feel as I lost my grandmother (although she raised me) on Jan. 9th.

*hugs*
playgirl
Feb. 11th, 2005 08:44 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry for replying so late. I'm finally coming out of whatever I was going through and have finally accepted that my mom is gone. I'll soon be my old out spoken self in my journal.

I lost my grandmother a couple of years ago, too. I know your pain in having lost yours and my heart goes with you and yours for your loss.

Thank you for your friendship, I treasure it!
notoriousmdc
Feb. 1st, 2005 08:38 pm (UTC)
May I ask a question?
This may be rude/inappropriate but...

Why can't she wear shoes? Is that a Catholic thing?

--

Que Dios sea contigo, amiga.
playgirl
Feb. 11th, 2005 08:48 pm (UTC)
Re: May I ask a question?
Muchas gracias amigito querido!

The shoes thing is a choice I took, because I wanted her to be as comfortable as possible. I know it sounds nutty, but it's something I demanded they do, put on a pair of my warmest, softest, most cozy socks on her feet. She looked beautiful in her pink dress!

Besotes!
cris_nicewelts
Feb. 1st, 2005 11:44 pm (UTC)
what you have left are memories and do not let guilt win you over. I am not very good with things like this and what more can I say? Only that this is a part of the life cycle and you are left to do with what remains as you will. You are strong and of good heart, do the right thing with/for your grief and her memory.
playgirl
Feb. 11th, 2005 09:40 pm (UTC)
Yes, you are good at things like this because you made me feel better about the loss of my mom. Deep depression consumed me but I am quickly coming out of it and will soon be my usual bratty self.

My mom look beautiful and very much at peace. She feels no pain anymore and for that, I am grateful.

Thank you my friend for your kind words. Hugs!
(no subject) - cris_nicewelts - Feb. 11th, 2005 10:22 pm (UTC) - Expand
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