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MOTHER'S DEATH

I want to thank you all who were so sweet in expressing your prayers and well wishes. You will never fully comprehend how you helped me and touched my heart. It feels strange, to care for you all as I do, knowing that our only means of communication has been through our Live Journals. It is strange how we, as LJ Friends, sometimes feel and know more about each other than even those who surround us throughout our daily lives. Here in our live journals we express our true feelings, which we most often keep secret to friends and family. You all mean the world to me and my every hope is that you are safe and happy.

For a month and days, I have gone through some very complex times. I watched my mother go through things I hope and pray will someday be wiped off my memory. I've gone through sleepless nights of fear and through excruciating mental pain. There was a time when it appeared as if she might make it. Suddenly, everything went down hill. I believe the most painful days were towards the end, where my mother's beautiful peaches and cream complexion turned into a deathly ungodly color. My mother didn't go fast, she lingered and suffered, as no human being should. I only hope that the Lord will take into consideration the agonizing suffering she went through. I've lost my mother who was my best friend. I, as well and my 4 brothers and dad are still in shock and in great pain. It still hasn't fully sunk in my mind that she is dead. She died yesterday, January 30, 2005 at 3:36 am.

The rosary, mass and burial will be on the same day, Friday. She will wear a beautiful light pink lace dress and pearls. Shoes are not permitted so I will have her wear a pair of my socks.

I'm going through a lot of guilt feelings right now because I should have called her more often. I bought my mother her favorite flowers, white roses. It breaks my heart that I didn't buy them for her when she was alive. I bought them for her and she will never see the beauty in them because she is dead.

For those of you who still have your mother, please don't take her for granted. Buy her the flowers NOW and find the time to call her everyday and let her know that you love her.

I will not go into how and why she died, it is unimportant at this point. The only reality for me is that she is dead.

I am so grateful and thankful to all of you, my LJ friends! Thank you!

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Comments

( 63 comments — Leave a comment )
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nebris
Feb. 1st, 2005 01:20 am (UTC)
I send Love and White Light to you, darling.

Be Well...

~M~
playgirl
Feb. 1st, 2005 03:26 am (UTC)
White light and love have been received.
hugs
pggmilltn
Feb. 1st, 2005 01:20 am (UTC)
Words fail to adequately...my condolences. Please take care.
playgirl
Feb. 1st, 2005 03:27 am (UTC)
Thank you so much!
(no subject) - pggmilltn - Feb. 1st, 2005 03:28 am (UTC) - Expand
jerris_darkrun_
Feb. 1st, 2005 01:30 am (UTC)
HUGS for your loss, but applause for your love.
playgirl
Feb. 1st, 2005 03:27 am (UTC)
Thank you and the hugs have been received!
talking_monkeys
Feb. 1st, 2005 01:37 am (UTC)
I'm so sorry...
playgirl
Feb. 1st, 2005 03:28 am (UTC)
Thank you so much!
trwheaton
Feb. 1st, 2005 02:04 am (UTC)
I had a rather distant relationship with my father...We lost him in a similar way. It was very traumatic, but I know that in the end, even though he couldn't communicate with words, he knew how much he meant to me.
Please don't dwell on these feelings of guilt, dear one. You were there for her at the end, and certainly your love needed no outward gestures to find expression.
I'm so very sorry for your loss, and hope you will accept my most heartfelt condolences for yourself and your family.
playgirl
Feb. 11th, 2005 09:29 pm (UTC)
I could never imagine the pain other's felt in losing one of their parents. I do now and wonder if the terrible pain in my chest will ever go away. I'm starting to come out of a pretty deep depression I've been feeling, but I know I'll eventually become my old outspoken brat in my journal.

I'm so sorry that you lost your father and accept my condolences, too.

Thank you for being my friend!
(no subject) - trwheaton - Feb. 12th, 2005 03:29 am (UTC) - Expand
sabrarosa
Feb. 1st, 2005 02:08 am (UTC)
God, honey, I'm so sorry. I had no idea. My thoughts are with you and your family right now. I know how hard this must be.
playgirl
Feb. 1st, 2005 03:29 am (UTC)
Thank you so much! Yes, it is very hard.
(no subject) - sabrarosa - Feb. 1st, 2005 03:31 am (UTC) - Expand
broken__shadows
Feb. 1st, 2005 02:21 am (UTC)
There is not much I can do to relieve your your pain or your feelings of guilt. I think any good person feels those whenever they lsoe someone they love and deeply care about. I sincerely pray that you find the stregnth you need to come to terms with the pain you felt and the pain you had to observe, and I hope that someday the sadness you feel over her loss and the guilt will be replaced with feelings of peace and comfort in knowing that she is still always with you in mind and spirit even if not flesh and bone. Aside from offering you my ear, there is not much else I can do at this time, but if you need to talk to me, I can be reached via the email address on my user info page. You are welcome to email me, or if you want a more direct conversation, feel free to request my aim or yim id's and as soon as I get the message, I will respond. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
mehen
Feb. 1st, 2005 02:24 am (UTC)
My thoughts and prayers go with you. I,too, spend over a month slowly watching my mother die before me. I know your pain for I have travelled the road you are now beginning. I send you the love of a friend and stand ready to listen. *hugs*
playgirl
Feb. 2nd, 2005 01:24 am (UTC)
I'm so sorry you experienced this unbearable pain, my friend. I hope that those who read this and still have their moms, to show in whatever way it takes, just how much they love her.

I send you my love, my friend, also!
pippaminni
Feb. 1st, 2005 03:15 am (UTC)
dont let every memory of your mom be erased...good or bad... they're all you have now. i look up to you for your honesty...God bless you and your family. my deepest condolences.
playgirl
Feb. 11th, 2005 08:31 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much! I took pictures of her before they closed the coffin and have put them in little frames throughout my house. I miss her terribly, but am slowly coming out of my little depression.

Thank you for your kind words my friend!
heddygirl
Feb. 1st, 2005 03:26 am (UTC)
Sincerest sympathies to you all...we experienced that loss in August and know all too well your feelings. These shall pass, although it does not seem it now. You and your family are in our thoughts, and your mother is in heaven, wishing you peace.
playgirl
Feb. 1st, 2005 04:11 am (UTC)
I am so sorry about your loss. You and yours will be in our thoughts, also.

Thank you for your kind words in these most trying times. I only hope time will pass quickly so it won't hurt so much anymore.
darkphoenixrisn
Feb. 1st, 2005 03:37 am (UTC)
*hugs*
playgirl
Feb. 1st, 2005 04:06 am (UTC)
Hugs have been received and thank you so much!
splitpeasoup
Feb. 1st, 2005 03:40 am (UTC)
I'm extremely sorry. I had no idea. Take care, of yourself and the others in your family. Wish you good thoughts.
playgirl
Feb. 1st, 2005 04:05 am (UTC)
Thank you so much!
0ccam
Feb. 1st, 2005 04:48 am (UTC)
You and she are in my thoughts. You have my sympathy.
playgirl
Feb. 2nd, 2005 01:20 am (UTC)
Thank you so much for your very kind words!
jenn1555
Feb. 1st, 2005 05:03 am (UTC)
I will say a prayer for you and your family..I am so sorry
playgirl
Feb. 2nd, 2005 01:17 am (UTC)
Thank you so much!
(Deleted comment)
playgirl
Feb. 2nd, 2005 01:18 am (UTC)
Thank you so much dearest Huggy Bear. I appreciate it!
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( 63 comments — Leave a comment )

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